> NVC is a framework for direct communication. To quote the article:
> 1. Observe Facts - observe the specific facts that are > affecting our wellbeing, and bring them up with the other person
> 2. Note Feelings - introspect about what exactly we are feeling in response to what we've observed, and communicate these feelings
> 3. Uncover Desires - figure out the desires, wants and values that are creating our feelings, and explain them to the other person
> 4. Make Requests - ask for concrete actions to help resolve the situation
I think why you may find it dehumanizing is that, if I were using those four steps above, I would just be reflecting on my own humanity, and not on yours. So, by the time I end those four steps, the only connection I've really had to you is asking if you will do something.
--
I use three steps (yes, another formula) that seem to solve the dehumanizing problem:
Step 1) TRUTH: Tell the truth about how you actually feel in the moment.
Step 2) FAIR PLAY: Tell the other person how you imagine they might feel.
Step 3) LOVE: Say one thing to connect with love.
Step 1 is not so different from the second step of NVC, really just focusing on me and what I feel/need/want/etc and being honest about that. In the workshops I've run, I've seen most of us skip this step.
Step 2 is the kicker, it's not about connecting with me, but connecting with what you might feel/need/want/notice/etc. And it's about imagining what the person might be feeling, not knowing that the person is feeling X.
Step 3 is the closer, finalizing the connection between the two: thank you, I'm sorry, I hope you have a good day, will you help me, etc.
--
I'm stoked that this conversation is happening on HN, excited that you said what you said (in typing this response I have learned even more about NVC and my work), and tired—I definitely should head to bed after this. And I imagine you might be frustrated with all this NVC stuff, perhaps nauseated by another formula or maybe even curious, or perhaps pleasantly surprised, I have no idea. Thank you for making this conversation happen.
I think why you may find it dehumanizing is that, if I were using those four steps above, I would just be reflecting on my own humanity, and not on yours. So, by the time I end those four steps, the only connection I've really had to you is asking if you will do something.
--
I use three steps (yes, another formula) that seem to solve the dehumanizing problem:
Step 1) TRUTH: Tell the truth about how you actually feel in the moment.
Step 2) FAIR PLAY: Tell the other person how you imagine they might feel.
Step 3) LOVE: Say one thing to connect with love.
Step 1 is not so different from the second step of NVC, really just focusing on me and what I feel/need/want/etc and being honest about that. In the workshops I've run, I've seen most of us skip this step.
Step 2 is the kicker, it's not about connecting with me, but connecting with what you might feel/need/want/notice/etc. And it's about imagining what the person might be feeling, not knowing that the person is feeling X.
Step 3 is the closer, finalizing the connection between the two: thank you, I'm sorry, I hope you have a good day, will you help me, etc.
--
I'm stoked that this conversation is happening on HN, excited that you said what you said (in typing this response I have learned even more about NVC and my work), and tired—I definitely should head to bed after this. And I imagine you might be frustrated with all this NVC stuff, perhaps nauseated by another formula or maybe even curious, or perhaps pleasantly surprised, I have no idea. Thank you for making this conversation happen.